Scarlet Letters

Some more ramblings…

I am getting better at this divorce thing.  It is not where I expected to be.  I live and learn.  There are some definate positives.

Some concepts are strange.  I understand that 50% of marriages end in divorce.  Divorce was never threatened or discussed in my marriage.  I never thought that was something to be taken lightly or that it was likely to happen to me. 

I had no time to plan and was blindsided. 

I like to plan.  I am very imperfect but very rational.

A marriage of 26 years crumbled as a result of infidelity. 

I felt out of control of my future, which I was, and a failure.  I was on my own.  No one has my back.  I have been granted the scarlet letter “D” for divorce.   

It also attaches to my children and my ex.

Personally, I do not put a lot of weight into what others may think of me.  I am pretty comfortable in my own skin.  I am a survivor.  I will do what I need to do.  I now control my own future.  I might even be considered by some as a "catch".

I think my sons would have preferred not to have this label attached to the family.  It is unfortunate.

I have analyzed and over analyzed.  What did I miss?  What did I do to deserve this letter?  I never expected my lover and closest confidant for 28 years to blindside me.  It hurt a lot.  Don’t shit where you eat.  Don’t unnecessarily or intentionally hurt others.

The ex, Marie Hanna, also earned another letter, a scarlet “A”.

A woman wrote this on the Huffington Post:

“By having an affair, I wore the scarlet letter. I became the bad wife who needed to repent. I lost all power and negotiating leverage in the relationship. As hurtful as it was to my husband, it was self-destructive too. Having affairs compromised my values, went against my moral code, and broke my marriage vows.”   Barbara McNally

I think my sons would have preferred not to have this scarlet letter attached to their mother.  It is unfortunate.

I wonder if Marie has regrets?  I wonder if Ray Lambert is her “soulmate” (I hate that term, no one is perfect) or just an opportunist with an attractive target of opportunity ten years younger than his old wife?   There has been a pretty steep cost, I wonder if she thinks he was worth it?  There were other options which would not have made me so angry and disappointed.  What are her options now?  Admit that it was a mistake?  Start from scratch?  Or go full in and try to make one happy blended family on Glenstream in beautiful bumfuck Batavia?  Take care of an old guy with health problems that is not your husband?  I would imagine that his seven children are not complete fools and the fact that they have been "working" together for years has some interesting implications on their family.

I suspect she has a high dose of Catholic guilt as well.  It must be challenging to rationalize adultery while you are in church.  I can't imagine that her Catholic parents are great supporters of her actions and decisions.  It took them many years to appreciate me.  I don't think Ray will ever get there before they are gone from this world.  They will worry about her mortal soul.

I am not ready to sweep it under the rug and say that it is all ok.  It is not.  It will never be.  Marie really could not look me in the eye at lunch after our son’s graduation.  Not sure if she was scared, ashamed or just bored.  I am getting along fine without her.

I break people down into two groups, worthy and unworthy.  Worthy people are people that I would trust and behave honorably.  Unworthy people are the opposite.   Some of them wear letters.