Round 37

Round 37 of my love life.  Sometimes it does feel like a boxing match, some pain is inflicted by each boxer or lover.

I am not sure there has actually been 37 rounds but it does feel like a slough.

Vanessa passed through all the logical checks.  I let her into my heart.  I let few people in to that space.

I am trying to live a more active and healthy lifestyle. Trying to find someone who can keep up mentally and physically. Looking for that visceral attraction.

My intuition tells me this is not right.  She has had a pretty spoiled life until her unpleasant divorce.  She has some weight issues.  Some back problems. I think long-term.  What will this look like five years from now?  

A Saturday night date.  First she has to hang with the mayor at the NAACP convention.  Driving to my home, a car crash.  I rescue her.  A trip to the emergency room. I took her home to her apartment.  She fell asleep bruised and sore but ok.  I went home to care for my dog.

An unmet expectation that I would take her to my home. Be there for her 24-7

I had rationally analyzed her situation. I have eleven broken bones in my body.  Three stents, a missing gallbladder. I healed.  I deal with death and catastrophic injuries.  This is not so bad.

She has family and friends.  Ultimately, she did not like my nursing or lack of nursing.  She let me know I was obviously defective.   I had failed her test.  I was not the man she was looking for.

I felt like an asshole. But I was pretty sure she was not the woman I was looking for.

We have moved on.

The woman who still gets in my head is Barb.  She occasionally texts me.  I text her back.  Despite our issues there is still a visceral attraction for me.

We agreed to meet for dinner.  We arrived at the same time.  She hugged me and grabbed my hand to hold it going into the restaurant.  Wow! It is like we are a couple again for that hour.

Nothing has changed for her.  She still is dealing with a challenging college student.  She still cares for her ailing father.

We exchange some texts.  I am emboldened and send her a song.  I ask if she had found it.  She replies found what?  I sent her the song “She Lost that Loving feeling”

She replied. I am not looking.

Screw it, relationships suck.