Perhaps a slight overstatement. You have to register for some of the good stuff. No naked women allowed. Here it is:
ADVRIDER.Com
Some pretty smart independent folks. I enjoy the writing, the banter and the knowledge. I fit the demographics.
I have many interests. Most, if not all, are discussed in this site in one form or another. Motorcycles, travel, photography, mechanical things and toys, politics, health, love, sex and divorce. Knowing that there are others out there with similar interests and problems helps keep me sane.
An interesting thread on one man's divorce. I can relate all too well. Some great stuff here. Maybe a trip to Montana is in the works.
http://www.advrider.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1046381
Some good commentary:
Originally Posted by Simplyred View Post
Thinking about this a bit longer: from personal experience (so that's rather limited, isn't it) I think that I can safely say, that no woman I ever had a longer relationship with, or was married to, asked me if I were happy. They only always are/were concerned about their own happiness. Never someone asked me: "Hey, are you happy, do you get out of our relationship what is important to you?".
So is this a common experience? If so, is it then really the case that these relationships are no more then a trade off in "interests" like: I fancy you if you keep me safe, if you do this, if you do that, if you provide, if you........
I have always seen this as a two-way street, not 2 one-way-streets.
This experience from ShadyRascal actually brings forth some questions about life with the other gender in our Western societies in general. Do women really just flip a switch and dump us regardless of how many years we provided and worked for the family, just because one of their unknowingly created criteria on the virtual list is not met? That would (in my eyes) be a horrible conclusion. Quite devastating.
Is it true that WE (men) just keep fighting and trying until the tank is completely empty, whereas "they" simply flip a switch and walk away? If so, then what is all the marriage counseling good for, if the mind has already been made up to "just walk away on first chance"?
This is a sad story, with probably an even more sad theory behind it.
I think you are on to something with your comment with older couple divorces. In fact, I think there is a biological aspect to it. Women have a biologically imperative to have children which for most women means being married or having a financially supportive partner to help raise the children. Once the children are grown up and gone then the whole equation changes. The biological need for a husband ceases to some extent.
I'm an older guy and in my circle of older friends I have heard the same scenario as the OP's about six times during a divorce. "This isn't working for me" (if you are lucky), or, just a plain old day in and day out attitude that this relationship is only about financial security and otherwise I don't need you. When it comes to the couple's decisions it is often stated that it is "my way or the highway".
My point is that a lot of what is going on may just be a product of the natural life cycle and neither the man or the woman should take what is happening, as unpleasant as it is, personally. Does this make sense to anyone else?
From Heyload
As men, we tend to be simple creatures, and simple things make us happy for the most part. Women tend to be a bit more complicated in that regard.
I heard the "I'm just not happy here" statement a lot from my wife, but she never made any attempt to make friends here, or talk to our neighbors, or get involved with anything outside of the home other than her job...which she loved but couldn't stand the people she worked for.
She's pretty happy now that she's back home, and has pretty much picked up her life there where she left off.
But now that it's been brought up...I don't think she's ever asked me if I was happy about this situation. I know I've told her often enough and tried to explain my take on things, but she doesn't really seem all that interested. In fact, she always comes back with reasons why it's worse for her, etc. If I say I'm sad, she's miserable. If I say I had a rough day at work, she has had a horrific day. If I tell her I'm feeling a bit under the weather, she's got full blown flu, etc.
So I'm thinking about this now. Am I happy? Not most of the time...but more frequently than right after she left. I guess it comes back after a while, once we wrap our heads around the new reality of our lives.
I'm reminded of something I came across. It was a question. "What is the meaning of life?" The answer given was "Life is empty and meaningless."
Now, I didn't agree with that a bit, but they went on to explain, using this analogy.
"Life is like a cup. What is the purpose of a cup? To hold something..water, coffee, beer, whatever. That is it's purpose. When the cup in empty, it has no use and is meaningless.
Life is like that cup. You have to fill it with something to give it meaning and purpose. We spend a life time filling that cup, then one day, everything in that cup can suddenly spill out. The cup is empty...and therefore meaningless.
Now at this point, you might say "Damn, that is depressing. My life is an empty cup and is meaningless. Everything I filled it with is gone now, so what is the point?"
But here is the neat part.
It's your cup. Fill it with whatever you want. You've got a whole new start there, so fill the cup with what makes you happy. And suddenly, you'll have a life filled with meaning."
I think about that analogy a lot. I'm coming to realize that life is about choices. Our happiness is our choice and ours alone.
Right now that cup is pretty empty for me. But slowly I'm beginning to fill it again. Very slowly, but it's a start.
So right now, there is a lot of pain, confusion and hurt in your head and heart. Maybe even some anger and resentment. I know there is for me.
After a while, you'll dump that shit out and start filling that cup again, man. It won't be easy, at first. But at least YOU will make the choices of what to fill your life with again. And I think...and hope, for you as well as me and a lot of others...that we can choose to be happy and find some meaning again.
Anyway...that is just something I've been tossing around in my brain. Maybe it's just a bunch of mumbo jumbo, but it makes a kind of sense as well. Maybe it will help you get through things.
Or you can just tell me to STFU.
Either way, I hope it gets better for you, amigo. I'm not too far from gone here, and there have been nights, in the wee, wee lonely hours, that I've seriously considered death as a better alternative.
But everyday I get up and do it all again, and little by little, it's getting better. Everyday I find a little more humor, I laugh a little bit more and bit by bit the pain and hurt is falling away. In survival school, they taught us when things are really bad and hopeless, go to your happy place. That will help you survive mentally through all the pain and hurt and sadness, and you'll come home again.
Find your happy place, Shady. Just hang in there and take it day by day.
And you have a wonderful bunch of people here, and they are holding their hands out to pull you up.
I know, because a lot of them have lifted me when things were bad.
So keep the faith. Carry that load. It will get lighter. And things will get better.
__________________
"Would you care for some left-over bacon?"...said no man, ever.
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
And finally:
@Heyload and SimplyRed.....fucking bravo, men.
Quote:
Originally Posted by K. L. Rocket View Post
Big respect on how you eschew a victimization mindset by owning your decisions and outcomes.
Also, O Wise One, why would women need to monitor the happiness of men who claim they're such "simple creatures" they merely need food and sex to be happy? Are men confused or "complicated" too?
No, men are very simple creatures. Fuck us, feed us, show a tiny bit of adoration and respect and we are fine.
Couple of blowjobs a week doesn't hurt either.
Simple.
I actually said this to the prim and proper marriage counselor the ex and I started seeing when my marriage augered.
"Seriously, 1-2 blowjobs a week, and I would move mountains for her."
I'll bet that wasn't in the psychology textbook.
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