Life Breaks us, then we heal

Life breaks us. And when we heal, we're stronger in the broken parts.  -- Ernest Hemingway

 

Songs, images and quotes create triggers in my mind.  It starts the wheels turning.  My brain is a busy place.  I carry a more than a few scars.

This quote triggers recollections of some of the trauma I have endured.  I have had a few broken parts.  I am expendable but yet I have always healed. 

I am not alone.  It builds character.  Others have endured much more.

Fracturing the tibia and fibula in a skiing accident in my youth was excruciatingly painful.  Particularly the removal of the ski boot without  the benefit of pain killers.  I healed.  The leg is strong.

Fracturing seven ribs and the scapula after a motorcycle crash was painful.  The medication was better than when I broke my leg but it left me feeling stupid.  Perhaps it was the concussion.  It only hurt when I was breathing.  I healed.  The ribs, although misaligned, are strong. 

The blockage in my artery was not painful.  The trauma to my psyche was more painful.   Angina was somewhat  painful but more of a serious discomfort.  To some extent you can control the trigger.  Denial was a pretty effective treatment.  Three trips to the cath lab was an interesting experience.  You are awake when they are threading these wires into your heart.  They have a big screen high definition TV.  It was a weird experience. 

The trauma was  in my mind knowing that my life may be shorter than I anticipated and that life will go on just fine without me.  I studied and I learned about coronary artery disease. More inforamtion to absorb.  Fortunately they have invented percutaneous coronary intervention which allowed them to stick some stents in and away I go.  I wonder if they will get plugged up again.  I have healed.  My heart is strong, not sure about the arteries. 

Divorce was painful.  To me emotional pain is harder than physical pain.  Much harder to understand for a thinker.  More painful than it had to be thanks to a passive aggressive ex-wife.  Totally blindsided by the person I trusted the most.  The destruction of my family as I knew it.   So seemingly rash and irrational.  No negotiations, no bargaining.  Such a disappointment.  

It is time to re-engineer the future.  My bond with my sons is strong.  My heart and mind are strong.  I am healing but not healed.