“It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.”
Things that piss me off, amuse or bemuse me, including cheating ex's, INTJ's, scam schools, hypocrites, karma, cakewalks and dishonor. I bought the ticket and am taking the ride.
Special dedication to Raymond Lambert and Marie Hanna for providing the inspiration.
I like to meet potential dates at the dog park. It is casual and safe. Most women like my dog, Dusty, as he is a handsome and awesome dog. If there is not attraction at least Dusty gets a work out.
Now if I ask you if you would like to meet at the dog park you might mention that you do not like dogs and dog parks. Just saying....
The yoga pants were nice. You really did look good in them.
Once upon a time I dated a woman. She had good taste in music. She had her own motorcycle. We got along pretty well. I make pretty good company.
I analyzed her musical tastes and made her an awesome mixtape. She loved Robert Earl Keen and Bruce Springsteen. She was very pleased. It was not hard for me to do. I enjoy my music.
I was lonely and she was lonely. I think she was falling in love with me, but my mind reading skills are weak. I am patient and in no hurry. There were some red flags. It takes some time to gain my trust.
I was not yet divorced. I was still pretty, make that very, naive.
Theresa called one night with a sense of urgency. She had to come over. She told me she that she was thinking about sleeping with me. All good at this point. But.... she has herpes.
I reassured her and told her that I would need to think about that for awhile. I really needed time to digest this information and sent her on her way.
After some due diligence, thank you google, I decided that was not something I wanted to deal with. I let her down as gently as I could.
She was hurt. That is understandable. It is tough to be a 50 year old with baggage. We all have some baggage. I tend to try to hide mine.
I got a nice card from her in the mail.
Then I received some vicious drunken texts. F bombs away. Personal attacks. Theresa, that is fucking scary. I think that puts you in the category affectionately known as bat shit crazy.
Fast forward three years.
I have been trying to meet with a woman who lives near by, let's call her Linda. She has an interesting profile and seems sane. She has befriended me on Facebook. Based on the superficial social media information, I thought we could get along fine.
We are texting back and forth. Then silence. Then a strange response.
Linda is best friends with Theresa. Cincinnati is a damned small town sometimes.
Apparently Theresa still talks about me. Apparently she still likes me. She regrets sending the drunken texts. Three years later she has not found anyone nearly as interesting.
She is screwing up my dating adventures. I am a legend in the making
I have made my final mix tape. It is awesome as ever, I am real good at communicating in that form.
https://itunes.apple.com/us/playlist/dave-has-the-blues/idpl.3f872501bb394a27baa1a1d4a2edb46d Help me. Women are tough to understand. Sometimes Barb seemed so damned happy and proud to be with me. That was a recently as three weeks ago. The smile,excitement and love was sincere. Barb is genuine. I never caught her in a lie, perhaps an omission or two. That is fair and expected.
Then, it seem responsibilities, obligations, and worries kick in. I become a chore and unnecessary in the space of a week.
I have my flaws. I think she still carries that wonderful Catholic guilt. Her youngest son is a challenge. I have been there done that. Her perfect sister has convinced her that gluten is evil. I am not into religion. and that bothers her that I will not likely be travelling to heaven. It is hard to teach this old dog new tricks.
We all need to say fuck yes to something. This is a challenge for thinkers.
Life is short, go for it.
How much in life is a fuck yes? Not enough in my opinion. Is that a function of experience, unrealistic expectations, or overthinking?
I shall endeaver to make this a bigger part of my decision making.
Think about this for a moment: Why would you ever choose to be with someone who is not excited to be with you?
There’s a grey area in dating many people get hung up on — a grey area where feelings are ambiguous or one person has stronger feelings than the other. This grey area causes real, tangible issues. As a man, a huge question is often whether to be persistent and continue pursuing a woman even when she seems lukewarm or hot/cold on your advances. For women, a common question is what to do with men who make their feelings ambiguous.
“She said she’s not interested, but she still flirts with me, so what do I need to do to get her?” “Well, I know she likes me, but she didn’t call me back last weekend, what should I do?” “He treats me well when he’s around, but he’s hardly around. What does that mean?”
Most dating advice exists to “solve” this grey area for people. Say this line. Text her this. Call him this many times. Wear that.
Much of it gets exceedingly analytical, to the point where some men and women actually spend more time analyzing behaviors than actually, you know, behaving.
Frustration with this grey area also drives many people to unnecessary manipulation, drama and game-playing. This is where you get rules about making men pay for this many dates before you can become intimate. Or how men need to transition from attraction phase to comfort phase by qualifying three times before they’re allowed to commence an escalation ladder.
These things may seem clever and exciting to some people who are stuck or frustrated. But this dating advice misses the point. If you’re in the grey area to begin with, you’ve already lost.
Let me ask again: Why would you ever be excited to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? If they’re not happy with you now, what makes you think they’ll be happy to be with you later? Why do you make an effort to convince someone to date you when they make no effort to convince you?
What does that say about you? That you believe you need to convince people to be with you?
You wouldn’t buy a dog that bites you all the time. And you wouldn’t be friends with someone who regularly ditches you. You wouldn’t work a job that doesn’t pay you. Then why the hell are you trying to make a girlfriend out of a woman who doesn’t want to date you? Where’s your self-respect?
The entrepreneur Derek Sivers once wrote a blog post where he said, “If I’m not saying ‘Hell Yeah!’ to something, then I say no.” It served him well in the business world and now I’d like to apply it to the dating world. And because I’m more of a vulgar asshole than Derek is, I’ll christen mine The Law of “Fuck Yes or No.”
The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.
The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” also states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.
As you can see, The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” implies that both parties must be enthusiastic about the prospect of one another’s company. Why? Because attractive, non-needy, high self-worth people don’t have time for people who they are not excited to be with and who are not excited to be with them.
This may sound a bit idealistic to some. But The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” has many tangible benefits on your dating life:
No longer be strung along by people who aren’t that into you. End all of the headaches. End the wishing and hoping. End the disappoint and anger that inevitably follows. Start practicing self-respect. Become the rejector, not the rejected.
No longer pursue people you are so-so on for ego purposes. We’ve all been there. We were so-so about somebody, but we went along with it because nothing better was around. And we all have a few we’d like to take back. No more.
Consent issues are instantly resolved. If someone is playing games with you, playing hard to get, or pressuring you into doing something you’re unsure about, your answer is now easy. Or as I often like to say in regards to dating, “If you have to ask, then that’s your answer.”
Establish strong personal boundaries and enforce them. Maintaining strong boundaries not only makes one more confident and attractive, but also helps to preserve one’s sanity in the long-run.
Always know where you stand with the other person. Since you’re now freeing up so much time and energy from people you’re not that into, and people who are not that into you, you now find yourself perpetually in interactions where people’s intentions are clear and enthusiastic. Sweet!
The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” is applicable to dating, sex, relationships, even friendships. You may have absolutely nothing in common with that bartender. But they’re hot and are interested in getting down. Is it a “Fuck Yes!” for sex? It is? Then game on.
Wrapped up in that sweet guy who treats you so well, except goes weeks without calling you and suddenly disappears after a couple drinks and a round of the horizontal polka? Been wondering if he really likes you? Do his excuses of being so busy all the time seem legit? It doesn’t sound like the answer is a “Fuck yes.” Then it’s time to move on.
Making out with a girl at your house and every time you go to take her shirt off she swats your hands away? That is not a “Fuck Yes,” my friend, therefore, it’s a no and you shouldn’t pressure her. The best sex is “Fuck Yes” sex — i.e., both people are shouting “Fuck Yes” as they hop between the sheets together. If she’s not hopping, then there’s no fucking.
(Hint Fellas: This is a great time to ask the girl why she’s not comfortable, and what she’s looking for from you. That, by itself — you know, treating her like a human and empathizing with her — often solves this “problem.”)
Want to date that woman you met last weekend but she keeps ignoring your texts and calls? Not sure what to say or do, especially since she seemed so happy to go out with you when you initially met her? Well, my friend, this is obviously not a “Fuck Yes.” Therefore, it is a “No.” Delete her number and move on.
Fuck Yes or No applies to relationships as well. My girlfriend works with a guy who got married because “it seemed like the right thing to do.” Four years later, he was cheating on his wife every chance he got. The marriage was not a Fuck Yes for him, therefore it should have been a No.
Sometimes The Law of Fuck Yes or No will apply differently on different levels. You may be a “Fuck Yes” for friendship with someone, but mildly excited to have sex with them. Therefore, it’s a no. You may be a “Fuck Yes” on banging someone’s brains out, but a definite “No” on actually spending any time with them. Apply the law to your decision-making as it suits your current needs.
Fuck Yes or No doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be falling in knee-wobbling love at first sight. It doesn’t even mean you have be completely convinced that someone is right for you. You can be “Fuck Yes” about getting to know someone better. You can be “Fuck Yes” about seeing someone again because you think there’s something there. You can be “Fuck Yes” about giving things a few months to pan out and see if you can fix the problems in the relationship.
The point is: both you and the other person need to be fuck yes about something, otherwise you’re just wasting your time.
A common Fuck Yes response from a woman. Flowers and all.
But the real beauty of The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” is that it simplifies the problems you can have in your dating life. When applying the Law of “Fuck Yes or No,” there are really only two problems one can have.
The first problem is people who never feel a “Fuck Yes” for anybody they meet. If you are lukewarm on absolutely everyone you meet, then either your demographics are way off, or you suffer from a lack of vulnerability and are protecting yourself by remaining indifferent and unenthused by all of those around you.
Remember, it’s your job to look for something cool in everyone you meet; it’s not their job to show you. This is life, not a fucking sales convention. Learning to appreciate people you meet is a skill you cultivate. So get on it. This doesn’t mean you have to fall in love with everyone who breathes in your direction. It just means you need to take responsibility for your ability to connect with the people you are meeting.
The second problem is people who never meet others who feel a “Fuck Yes” for them. If all of the people you pursue give you a mild responses, or outright rejections, then it’s time to focus on improving yourself. Ask yourself, what is it about yourself that would inspire others to say “Fuck Yes” about you? If the answer is not obvious, then you get to work. Build yourself into a person others would say “Fuck Yes” to.
And this is the ultimate dating advice lesson — man, woman, gay, straight, trans, furry, whatever — the only real dating advice is self improvement. Everything else is a distraction, a futile battle in the grey area, a prolonged ego trip. Because, yes, with the right tools and performance, you may be able to con somebody into sleeping with you, dating you, even marrying you. But you will have won the battle by sacrificing the war, the war of long-term happiness.
It is a strange world we live in for a simple guy from Lake Wobegon. The Internet is kind of the wild west. Dating sites are part of that frontier. I am part of that wild west.
A little back story. I have been dating Barb for 5 months. She is very sweet but perhaps spread a little thin with too many obligations. We had a pretty good weekend. Went out Saturday night to an interesting restaurant, The Senate with her twin sister, her husband and another couple. Had some great margaritas at Bakersfield prior to dinner. It was a good time but I think Barb may have been over-served and wanted to go home after dinner. She was falling asleep in the car. She had promised to take her father to church in the morning. I digress....
She came over on Sunday afternoon. We took a long walk with Dusty, 5 miles (I am going to get into shape if it kills me)!. We watched some basketball. She cooked me crab legs and asparagus. I was really hoping to get lucky, but it got late. She needs to be up at 5:15 a.m. for her job. Perhaps poor planning on my part. It did not seem too late for me. She left somewhat abruptly leaving me a feeling a little neglected, horny and bored. It would have been a great weekend if I got laid. But I digress...
So what does one do if feeling neglected lonely and bored? Get on the internet. I have been off the dating sites for four or five months. I have generally been pretty content, which is probably not my natural state. My least favorite site was POF but it is free. I am not sure that I ever actually went on a date from anyone from that site. Met a couple of women for a drink. Communicated with some that never seemed to go anywhere. Nonetheless it is free to look around. But I digress....
The first thing that struck me is that many of the same women are on there that were there six months ago. These women were probably there last year too. You see many of the same pictures on Match.com. Many complain of serial daters but apparently have made little progress in the past year. I appreciate it is challenging out there in the wild west. Not sure if it is lack of qualified candidates, lack of time, or too high of standards or perhaps just a pain in the ass. But I digress.....
Now for my WTF moment.. About 5 pages in I saw the below post. My name is in the headline! WTF?
I read the profile. An purportedly attractive woman with no picture. Perhaps she is looking for a different David B,. Hanna?
No, I am pretty sure that is directed to me. Purportedly from Anderson Township and is into Corvettes, motorcycles and dogs. Someone who knows my vices and my name.
I like my privacy and do not readily share my name until things actually develop into a date.
Now the wheels in my head are spinning. Is this a complete setup? What is the motive? How long has this been out there?
Not sure that I get the inside joke about snoring and farting. The ex used to snore a lot. I probably snore some and I do occasionally fart. A teacher? Named Stacy or Tabitha? In tip top shape? Speaks Spanish?
Did I piss someone off (more than my normal INTJ behavior)?
Is the ex up to something? Doesn't seem like her style. However, she is passive agressive. After some of our divorce battles I doubt she wants to start another one. No longer in tip top shape. Perhaps after a some wine with her friends this is what they came up with?
Theresa? She was pretty unbalanced and sent me nasty texts after we broke up. Theresa, we never slept together and I elected to end it before it really got started. She did seem pretty infatuated with me for some reason. I don't think so.
Roger, the idiot? He has been trying to befriend me and claims he knows single women in Anderson who I really should meet.
One of the neighbors friends? She has been a little cool to me lately.
I did exchange some emails with a teacher from Anderson and she had red hair. But she had young children. Not sure I ever gave her my full name. Her name was Linda, not Stacy. She seemed nice and then disappeared.
A test from Barb or one of her friends? I don't think it is her style.
