"Buy the ticket, take the ride"

Today is brought to you by Hunter S. Thompson

"You won't find reasonable men on the tops of tall mountains.”
― Hunter S. Thompson

. “We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and — in spite of True Romance magazines — we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely — at least, not all the time — but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.”

“The Edge… there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over. The others-the living-are those who pushed their control as far as they felt they could handle it, and then pulled back, or slowed down, or did whatever they had to when it came time to choose between Now and Later.”

 “A man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance.”

The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman, 1955-1967

 “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!”

That awkward age

"So it goes"

Thought for the day....

“So it goes” does not denote apathy . This phrase, repeated over and over, comes to represent the randomness of death — how death can come to anyone at any time — and to convey a sense of fatalism during wartime. That is, the constant repetition of “So it goes” by Kurt Vonnegut makes one ask themselves about the meaning of death (or its lack of meaning) and the incalculable human costs of war.

"Shit happens, and it's awful, but it's also okay. We deal with it because we have to."

So it goes

1 in a Million

I have been thinking about mortality lately.  My inquiring mind wants to know.  I have been diagnosed with a total occlusion of the right coronary artery.  I suffer from angina on heavy exertion.  I am not happy about it.

First course of action: treat it with expensive pills (and some cheap ones).  Exercise more.  That did not seem to work.  I get stressed when the angina kicks in.

Second course of action: angioplasty.  No one in Cincinnati doe this operation for a total occlusion.  Why is that?  Too risky, too many failures, incompetent?  Go to Columbus or Cleveland.  Spend three hours in the cath lab.  Been there done that.  Close but no cigar.  Let’s give it another shot in July.

Third course of action:  Google everything that you can find about total occlusions.  Read about mortality rates.  Some of them don’t sound so good…

Fourth course of action: open heart surgery.  That really does not sound like a lot of fun.  Crack open the chest, stop your heart, do the operation and hope that the heart restarts.  Leaves you with a nice scar and a lengthy recovery. 

Fifth course of action:  Ignore it and maybe it will go away.  Or maybe I will go away.

Which leaves me alone and overthinking.  I have had a pretty good run.  Most of the pieces are in place.  My sons will be ok.

I read that in the U.S. (USA Today) there will be 1 million angioplasties with stents this year.  That seems a little excessive for a country of 300 million.  I am one in a million.

 "We must pay greater attention to keeping our bodies and minds healthy and able to heal. Yet we are making it difficult for our defences to work. We allow things to be sold that should not be called food. Many have no nutritive value and lead to obesity, salt imbalance, and allergies."

David Suzuki

Only the strong survive (sometimes)

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

"Citizenship in a Republic,"

Theodore Roosevelt

I like TR. I like this quote. An independent sort, I wish we had more politicians like him today.

Life can be challenging. Work as well. Children and marriage. Dating, the list goes on....

Diary/blog

Her Diary: 

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. 

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. 

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. 

His Diary: 

Motorcycle wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got laid.

Hard hearted. Heart of stone.

Those terms have been used to describe me at least in jest.  However, there is probably more than a kernel of truth in that description.  A flaw in the ego or a terminal condition?

A good head and a good heart are a formidable combination.

I think my head is still working pretty well.  Not always sure about the heart.

Now I have medical proof that I have at least one artery made of stone.  Or at least some pretty solid plaque. 

I had a three hour angioplasty operation last Friday.  It was unsuccessful.  The doctor was disappointed.  Not nearly as disappointed as the patient.

He is optimistic that he can get it next time.  We will reschedule and do it again.

I like this quote:

“Nobody sees anybody truly but all through the flaws of their own egos. That is the way we all see ...each other in life. Vanity, fear, desire, competition-- all such distortions within our own egos-- condition our vision of those in relation to us. Add to those distortions to our own egos the corresponding distortions in the egos of others, and you see how cloudy the glass must become through which we look at each other. That's how it is in all living relationships except when there is that rare case of two people who love intensely enough to burn through all those layers of opacity and see each other's naked hearts.”  Tennessee Williams

Over-analyzing isn’t just a hobby it is a way of life

Some more ramblings. 

I think this blog has been helpful to me.  A place to vent.  Some thoughts and posts are born from anger.  Some are born from frustration.  Other thoughts are from self-reflection.  Others just amuse me.

I would like to think that the tone has been slightly more positive as of late.  Live in the moment.  Appreciate what you have.  Don’t take life too seriously.  No one gets out alive.  I have had a pretty good run, a generally interesting life.  Not many regrets.

A small circle of friends, family and confidants is what I need.  Intelligence is a turn on.  Loyalty is a requirement. I may think otherwise, but I depend on that circle.

I have a pininterest account.  Again, things that amuse and bemuse. 
I apologize but the spammers have taken an interest so if you know my last name (and are interested) just plug that in. 

www.pinterest.com/david*****/

 I liked this article:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-ann-kennedy/if-i-had-it-to-do-all-ove_b_5413898.html

"I remain incredibly sad about losing the love of my life, but am proud of myself for having the courage to be honest with myself about myself.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to repair my relationship with my husband and get back what I lost, but if I had it to do all over again:

I would listen more than I speak; a lot more!
I would talk to my husband instead of at him.
I would stop looking for guidance and advice from people outside of my marriage and open up a healthy dialogue with my partner.
I would reminisce more about the old times, and dream more about the future.
I would let go of all the little things, and in retrospect, they were all little things.
I would dance in the kitchen more instead of worrying about the dishes.
I would laugh more quickly and forgive more freely.
I would take more trips and spend less time doing housework.
I would protect "us" instead of worrying so much about "me."
I would not put anything ahead of my marriage; that includes work, friends, outside activities, family drama, etc.
I would be much more appreciative and grateful, focusing on all the things I have, instead of focusing on all the things I want.
I would turn off the TV and tune in to what my partner needs and wants from me; reality shows are someone else's reality; and who really cares about what's happening out there in TV land, anyway?
I would spend more time holding hands, sipping coffee on our deck, hugging each other after a long day at work, and supporting each other in all our endeavors.
I would be more honest, not just with my partner, but with myself.
I would love my partner more than anything else in the world.

If you're married and unhappy, fix it. Talk to your partner; tell them what's wrong; be honest with them and with yourself.

If you're really contemplating divorce, take the time to think about all the consequences. Think about how your partner will feel, and how you will feel. Think about what you're leaving behind and ask yourself the tough questions, like, "Is it worth it?"

Remember the old adage, "the grass isn't always greener?" It's true! And in asking the tough questions, I've learned that it wasn't worth it. Leaving my marriage didn't fix anything. The time apart made me a much stronger person and helped me understand myself much better, and I truly needed that, but I paid a high price to get there.

If I had the chance, I would love to show my husband the person that I've become, the improvements that I've made, and the things that I've learned that I believe would make me an even better partner this time around.

If I had it to do all over again, I would take that chance and  run with it.

If you get the chance, I hope you do the same!"

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