Whales are cool

That is all

Lot's of entertainment here

I love this guy

http://www.dontevenreply.com/index.php

Original ad:
Attention all ice skaters and hockey players! Volunteers needed to train children participating in the Special Olympics hockey team. Anyone with adequate skating skill can be used to help teach our athletes to skate. Please call 410-***-**** or respond to the email address above.
Judy

From Me to ************@**********.org

Judy,

I am writing in response to your ad regarding helping children learn to skate.

I was a legend in minor league hockey until my career was cut short by a career ending injury. I still love the game of hockey though and would love to pass on my skills to your wonderful children. I look forward to hearing from you.

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

Mike,

I am sorry to hear about your injury. That is very unfortunate. Are you still able to skate? I only ask because we need someone to skate one-on-one with the children.

Judy

From Me to Judy *******:

Oh yes, I am still able to skate. I think you misunderstood me. My career was cut short because I was banned after causing another player to have a career ending injury. It was an unfortunate accident, but the league came down extremely hard on me. It really wasn't fair, if you ask me.

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

Yikes! What were the circumstances of the ban/injury, if you don't mind me asking?

From Me to Judy *******:

Not at all. It really wasn't a big deal. The guy was fine, but everyone turned it into this huge ordeal. During a fight, I broke his eye socket, fish-hooked his cheek apart and slashed his achilles tendon with my skate. He also suffered brain damage from blood loss, but that is more the paramedics fault than mine for letting him bleed out for so long. Looks like the only sport he'll be playing now is "shitting in a bag" (heh heh). Anyway, the pussies at the commissioner's office considered it "gross misconduct" and "assault" and gave me a lifetime ban. Can you believe that? I thought this was supposed to be hockey!

So like I said, I was a legend in minor league hockey. My nickname used to be "Murderin' Mike" (don't worry, I never actually murdered anyone. It was just a cute nickname). I won more fights than everyone else in the division combined. In fact, I've only ever lost one fight on the ice. But I won the rematch in the parking lot (thank you, tire iron!) I know everything there is to know about fighting and would love to pass on my skills to your kids. If you want them to be the best damn hockey fighters in the special olympics, I am your guy. With my training, the other teams won't stand a chance. The ice will be stained with their blood, teeth, and broken dreams.

I am currently in between jobs so I can dedicate a lot of time to helping out.

Best,

Murderin' Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

What do you think this is? The Special Dlympics are for the mentally handicapped. You know that, right? What you described is brutally violent and has no place in the Special Olympics. Frankly I think you deserve to be in jail. Thank you and goodbye.

From Me to Judy *******:

Whoa there. Don't be so dismissive! Do you even know anything about hockey? It sounds to me like you think hockey is just soccer on ice. Well I've got news for you, Judy, you couldn't be more wrong. In hockey, we don't fake injuries and have to miss half the season due to a pulled vagina muscle. We fight it out like men. Fighting is what hockey is all about. It is a tradition that dates back to the first hockey game ever played. If you want your kids to learn how to play hockey, they are going to have to learn how to fight.

I'll teach your kids how get away with everything without the referee seeing it. I'll show them how to make butt-ending, head checking, slashing and tripping look like an accident. They'll learn how to fight like hockey players. I have a whole set of moves I like to use during fights. My personal favorite is the "bowling ball", where you gouge both of the opponent's eyes and then jam your thumb into the roof of their mouth. I used that during a fight once and the guy actually started convulsing! It struck fear into the heart of the other team and we ended up winning the game.

With my expert training, your team will be the most feared team in the entire special olympics. Please reconsider hiring me.

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

You aren't coming anywhere near these children. Your attitude towards this whole thing is disgusting. Its absolutely disturbing that you find this kind of behavior acceptable. Especially for mentally handicapped children. I don't know what kind of insane league you played in but that is not the level of intensity that's meant for these children.

From Me to Judy *******:

Oh, I get it. You're saying that because these kids are mentally handicapped, that they don't deserve to be treated like regular people? Instead, you want to point out their disabilities and tell them that they will never be able to play hockey like normal people. When I saw in your ad that the kids were mentally challenged, I wasn't fazed. I didn't see kids with disabilities, I saw kids that I could turn into great hockey players. Do you not want them to be able to play hockey like everybody else plays it?

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

Give me a freaking break. You know that isn't what I meant. Don't pull that card on me. You expect me to believe that a violent psychopath like you genuinely wants to help the mentally challenged play hockey? Yeah, right! You don't give a damn about these children.

From Me to Judy *******:

Judy,

I am starting to think that you are the problem with this team, not the kids. You do not have the right attitude to be working with these kids. If you want to tell these kids that they shouldn't learn hockey the right way because they are mentally challenged, then that is just sad. It is a shame that you are taking away the joy of competitive sports from these kids. Competitive sports are great for kids - it keeps them from turning to drugs and violence in the streets.

Can I please talk to your supervisor? I would like to take your position and suggest that you be fired. You clearly do not have the right attitude to be helping mentally challenged kids.

Sincerely looking forward to taking your job,

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

Sure - her number is 1-800-GOTO-HELL

Sincerely done talking to you,

Judy

Still Watching the Wheels. 100 posts

100 posts.  A milestone of some arbitrary number.

Some posts were borne from anger, some from reflection and thought, and some are random and perhaps strange but amuse me.

Some highlights and lowlights:

Spouse moved out without warning and sent me an email advising of same.  Took the youngest son with her.  Pretty traumatic.  Similar to a death in the household.  Suddenly, my friend, lover and confidant is no longer there.  Gone, not coming back.  Pretty quiet and lonely.  Correction, too quiet and lonely.

I found out that the sweet, unpretentious,  girl I married and exchanged vows with 27 years ago had somehow turned into a cheating mercenary.  Pretty scandalous and pretty stupid if you ask me.  Don’t shit where you eat.  The person you divorce is not the person you marry.  I could have done without the lying, cheating and stealing.  Perhaps we could have salvaged some sort of relationship.

I went through a divorce.  I got to deal with the court system and lawyers.  None of this collaborative divorce stuff for us.  $50,000 later it was a complete success.  She spent twice as much as I did on her super-lawyer.  The money would have made a nice down payment on a vacation home.

I discovered I had coronary artery disease.  I have kind of suspected for years but never quite connected the angina to CAD.  It took three cath operations but I got it fixed.  It is a relief.  As James Brown might say, I feel good!

The family dynamics have substantially changed.  I sense their disappointment.  The children have little interaction with their mother.  There are no more family holidays.  That used to be a mostly enjoyable production.  I am not inclined to put on the façade of Christmas.  Thomas is gone anyway.

My son joined the Marines.  He has learned warrior skills and how to swear.   I do not expect him to return to Cincinnati.  He has matured.  I hope he survives.

My father suddenly died.   Trees kill.   We were pretty close and enjoyed each other’s company.  He was a smart, private, overly organized man who was always working on projects to improve his surroundings.  He was a good man and decent to his core.  I saw him hooked to the machines and waited for any sign of a positive response.  There was none.  I watched him die.  I was pleased at the outpouring of support at the funeral and at the house.  I am sorry that I made his life difficult as a teenager.

I got promoted!  I am making more than I ever did.  Surviving pretty well by my lonesome.

Lot’s of time to think, to reflect and explore new ideas.

I received support from many good friends and family.  I think that support is what makes life worth living (sometimes).  Without family and friends it can be a lonely world.  So sorry that has not quite worked out like you planned Marie.

I have dined at some great restaurants.  I have been enjoyed some great concerts.  I have met interesting people.  I fear that I am turning into a hipster or a metrosexual (just kidding).

Acquired some pretty cool toys.  I like toys.  I like my new motorcycle and corvette.  I like my mancave.  I have big plans on what to do with the house.

I like my house and the proximity to the woods and walking trail.  A little silly for one person but the payments are low.

I took some pretty cool trips.  More trips to come.

A new slogan.  “Because I can………….”  The possibilities are pretty wide open.

In the meantime, I am doing time and watching the wheels……  100 more?

 

Watching the Wheels

People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing,
Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin,
When I say that I'm o.k. they look at me kind of strange,
Surely you’re not happy now you no longer play the game,

People say I'm lazy dreaming my life away,
Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me,
When I tell that I'm doing Fine watching shadows on the wall,
Don't you miss the big time boy you're no longer on the ball?

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,
I really love to watch them roll,
No longer riding on the merry-go-round,
I just had to let it go,

People asking questions lost in confusion,
Well I tell them there's no problem,
Only solutions,
Well they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind,
I tell them there's no hurry...
I'm just sitting here doing time,

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,
I really love to watch them roll,

The heart of the matter

jesus christ is my nigga WTF?

WTF