Greetings from Colorado

In the midst of a great road trip.  Photos will be updated.

Over 2200 miles in 5 days.  I have been pushing things perhaps too hard.

Kansas sucks. 99 degrees it was like crossing the desert.  Brutal

Colorado is beautiful

Road construction sucks.

The bike is awesome

Thoughts for the day

If I’ve learned one lesson from all that’s happened to me, it’s that there is no such thing as the biggest mistake of your existence. There’s no such thing as ruining your life. Life’s a pretty resilient thing, it turns out.

Sophie Kinsella

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.

Rita Mae Brown

Back to let's make a deal

Some hugs, some uncomfortable discussions about fear, conflicted emotions and duties.  I can remain rational.  I am damned good at it.

We were tired and she sent me on my way with some fresh peaches and a couple of ears of corn.

There was no makeup sex. Sometimes no decision is a decision.

One author has written about the five love languages.  Mine is quality time; one on one bonding time and intimacy.  I don't want to be smothered.  I don't seek praise or gifts.

Here is the main problem:  http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes

Well back to my fucked up life.

I am still pursuing the deal.

I  guess.

If I have to...

The deal:

Imagine that you are not yet born and you are made the following offer. You can choose to live and you will experience wonderful things. You will feel summer breezes, falling snow, and the sand between your toes. You will travel, have adventures and see the world.  You will love others and feel their warm embrace and they yours. You will smell smells, hear music, the rustle of leaves, and many other wonderful things. You will see sunrises and sunsets, you will laugh, you will wonder and feel the rush of curiosity and learning. 

You will also feel great pain. You will work hard sometimes for very little reward.  You will suffer injuries of various physical and emotional types, betrayals, cuts, bruises, broken bones, disappointment, heartbreaks, health scares or even paralysis for the remainder of your life. You will see others suffer and die and ultimately you too will cease to exist.

Will you take the deal?

Dread, Relief or Fuck No

It appears my latest relationship is dying a quiet death.  This is impacting my sleep and increasing my anxiety levels.  Overthinking again.  Not sure that I want to wade back into the dating pool but I know I will.

My ego has previously taken a pretty hard hit in the past.  Infidelity will do that to you.

Here is the main problem:  http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes

I am not feeling it from her. The sex is not fuck yes for me.  I understand that sometimes the sex drive of older women is diminished.  Kind of like trying to start a foreign car on a cold winter night.

Life is complicated.  We have work, kids and other obligations.  I am competing for her attention with her children, her twin sister, the care of her father, her hiking.  Too often I am not feeling the “fuck yes” from her side.  Some of that makes sense to me, some of it is a definite lack of “fuck yes”.

The intellectual stimulation for me is not a fuck yes.

She is attractive and sweet.  We have traveled and it was great.  Part of me thinks I can fix this.  Part of me thinks she is a fool for not seeing what a great partner I could be.  Part of her seems reluctant to cut the tie and go back to her fairly boring routine.

 I think I will go for a ride.  Colorado sound nice.

Thoughts for the day

Life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.

GARRISON KEILLOR

 

 

It is wise to remember that you are one of those who can be fooled some of the time.  -- Laurence J. Peter

Another date in July

The anniversary of my wedding. Now just another date on the calendar in July

I  keep busy which keeps me centered.  I have work, dating, projects and hobbies.  I have some cool mechanical things.  I have a nice home and an awesome dog.  However, it still leaves plenty of time to think about my fucked up life.  My long range plans.  Things I could have done better.  As I have noted before, overthinking is not just a hobby for me.  

Most have no idea what it is like to be single and 53.  I have had a couple of health scares.  The plan going forward is pretty vague. 

I acknowledge I lost a girl or more accurately she lost me.  It still seems stupid and irrational.  We had a 30 year history.  We came from Minnesota and shared Minnesota values, food and humor.  We moved to Texas with a dog and almost all of our belongings fit into the back of my pick up.  We raised two fine sons.  We built a pretty secure and comfortable existence.  We had some fun.  It was hard work.

I saw that go down the road with my ex for reasons I still have trouble understanding. 

Sometimes, I actually count myself pretty lucky.

Lucky, because I had 25+ years of a warm loving body next to me that I was happy to wake up next to every morning. Yes things were tough sometimes but it was generally happy, productive time and we have great kids.  I experienced real, true love and security and happiness at a high level. People I have met have had limited experience with those high rewards of life and I feel bad for them. If nothing else, I know at this point I've had more of that than some others ever will. I'm seeing things a bit from the other end now, that rather than just lament what I lost, be thankful that I did experience it, because many don't really get there.

 

I am still looking for my long term plan and security.  The girlfriend is nice but uncommitted.   It is complicated as they say and a change may be in the future.



I may or may not have another 25 years ahead of me but I won't try to fake anything, even to get laid.


Well maybe to get laid.....

F*ck That: A Guided Meditation

Just close your eyes......

I think meditation is good.  I can do this.

"If everything seems under control, you are just not going fast enough"

Fast things that take me away!

A vice of mine.  Fast cars, motorcycles and mechanical things.  They do take me to a different and good place.  I remember my first mini bike ride.  You turn the throttle and you go forward.  Turn it more and you go faster.  Brilliant!

I do have the fastest mower in the neighborhood.

It is nice to have toys.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can buy you horsepower and that is kind of the same thing