Quotes from Lake Wobegon

Some of my favorites:

“Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.”
― Garrison Keillor

I can go to those remote places :-)

 

“It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.”
― Garrison Keillor

 I have a few

“A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded gun on your coffee table- There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about.”
― Garrison Keillor

 True...

“You get old and you realize there are no answers, just stories.”
― Garrison Keillor, Pontoon: A Novel of Lake Wobegon

 

“It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.”
― Garrison Keillor

 

“When you wage war on the public schools, you're attacking the mortar that holds the community together. You're not a conservative, you're a vandal.”
― Garrison Keillor

 An important institution

“He was admired for never being at a loss for words and never wasting any either.”
― Garrison Keillor, Lake Wobegon Days

 The strong silent type.....

“I longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so I got a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.”
― Garrison Keillor,

 True

There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.

GARRISON KEILLOR,

True

Life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.

GARRISON KEILLOR

True

Some Christmas thoughts

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” -- Garrison Keillor

 

“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” -- Andy Rooney

 

"Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect." -- Oren Arnold

 

As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.” - Donald E. Westlake

A little faith

Darling you know just what I'm here for 
So you're scared and you're thinking 
That maybe we ain't that young anymore 
Show a little faith there's magic in the night 
You ain't a beauty but hey you're alright 
Oh and that's alright with me 

Waste your summer praying in vain
For a savior to rise from these streets
Well now, I'm no hero, that's understood
All the redemption I can offer, girl, is beneath this dirty hood
With a chance to make it good somehow

Hey, what else can we do now?
Except roll down the window
And let the wind blow back your hair

Lyrics

Mister I ain't a boy, no I'm a man
And I believe in a promised land

I've done my best to live the right way
I get up every morning and go to work each day
But your eyes go blind and your blood runs cold
Sometimes I feel so weak I just want to explode
Explode and tear this whole town apart
Take a knife and cut this pain from my heart
Find somebody itching for something to start

I'm Sorry If I Don't Like You (not really)

Some people have been divorced for ages, but me, I am still getting used to it. It's taken awhile because, well, some of us were not that eager to end almost thirty years of commitment. So the whole idea of another male who intruded into my family, and my marriage, well, that just causes me to want to piss on your grave.

It saddens me that the person you marry is not the person you divorce. Growth and change is to be expected.  However, some ethical and moral lines should be respected.  Adultery, lying and conspiring do not make a solid relationship foundation and a make poor example to your employees, family, the military, and friends.

It will probably take superhuman-like strength for me to even say a few words to you if I happen to meet you. To me, you signal the end of my family as I know it, and that makes me very sad. Respect that. Don't cozy up to me or my family. I won't respond well.

My Kids, My Life

In my house, kids don't just respect someone because he or she is older: kids give respect when it is earned.  Your actions and character are suspect at best. Not the best way to start a relationship.

My children still wanted their parents together. They are privileged and spoiled.  You helped bring them some reality.  They wanted that jet ski and lake house.  My children are upset to have two Thanksgivings and two Christmases.  



I would prefer that you stay far away.  You have seven children and alimony payments.  You are not permanent.

You probably heard I was a pain in the ass. I was and I still can be.  The fact is, I am a pretty decent human beinge. I am loyal, responsible, smart, caring and work hard.  Sexy too.

Raymond Lambert, you are a downgrade .  She gave up a lot for you.  I hope you appreciate that.

I don't want a divorce, but that's not how the cards were dealt for me. While I may not be right for my ex, someone else may think I am just right.  I sleep pretty well at night.

The Bad Times

There are going to be times when your relationship with my ex will suck. She snores like a sailor.  She is passive aggressive.  She is not the nice, loyal, innocent churchgoing second grade teacher and mother she once was.  Her best days are behind her.

It's not if it will happen, but a matter of when it will happen.  I will sit by and watch.  You bailed once, perhaps this time you will get the alimony.  If you decide to sign on for a membership, read all the fine print.

 

Thoughts for the day

“Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires.”

J. Steinbeck


The trouble with the world is tat the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
— BERTRAND RUSSELL

Nine Important Facts to Remember as Geezerhood approaches

 

Number 9
-  Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

 

Number 8
-  Life is sexually transmitted.

 

Number 7
-  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

Number 6
-  Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart.   

   If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

 

Number 5
-  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. 
   Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

 

Number 4
-  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

 

Number 3
-  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

Number 2
-  In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
   Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

Number 1
-  Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.  What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

 

...and as someone recently said to me:

 

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.

The weather outside is frightful

Just came back from a management meeting in Charlotte.  It was nice.  I already miss the weather.  Tough being n good behavior for three days.


The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
— BERTRAND RUSSELL