“It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.”
Things that piss me off, amuse or bemuse me, including cheating ex's, INTJ's, scam schools, hypocrites, karma, cakewalks and dishonor. I bought the ticket and am taking the ride.
Special dedication to Raymond Lambert and Marie Hanna for providing the inspiration.
Perhaps a slight overstatement. You have to register for some of the good stuff. No naked women allowed. Here it is:
ADVRIDER.Com
Some pretty smart independent folks. I enjoy the writing, the banter and the knowledge. I fit the demographics.
I have many interests. Most, if not all, are discussed in this site in one form or another. Motorcycles, travel, photography, mechanical things and toys, politics, health, love, sex and divorce. Knowing that there are others out there with similar interests and problems helps keep me sane.
An interesting thread on one man's divorce. I can relate all too well. Some great stuff here. Maybe a trip to Montana is in the works.
Originally Posted by Simplyred View Post
Thinking about this a bit longer: from personal experience (so that's rather limited, isn't it) I think that I can safely say, that no woman I ever had a longer relationship with, or was married to, asked me if I were happy. They only always are/were concerned about their own happiness. Never someone asked me: "Hey, are you happy, do you get out of our relationship what is important to you?".
So is this a common experience? If so, is it then really the case that these relationships are no more then a trade off in "interests" like: I fancy you if you keep me safe, if you do this, if you do that, if you provide, if you........
I have always seen this as a two-way street, not 2 one-way-streets.
This experience from ShadyRascal actually brings forth some questions about life with the other gender in our Western societies in general. Do women really just flip a switch and dump us regardless of how many years we provided and worked for the family, just because one of their unknowingly created criteria on the virtual list is not met? That would (in my eyes) be a horrible conclusion. Quite devastating.
Is it true that WE (men) just keep fighting and trying until the tank is completely empty, whereas "they" simply flip a switch and walk away? If so, then what is all the marriage counseling good for, if the mind has already been made up to "just walk away on first chance"?
This is a sad story, with probably an even more sad theory behind it.
I think you are on to something with your comment with older couple divorces. In fact, I think there is a biological aspect to it. Women have a biologically imperative to have children which for most women means being married or having a financially supportive partner to help raise the children. Once the children are grown up and gone then the whole equation changes. The biological need for a husband ceases to some extent.
I'm an older guy and in my circle of older friends I have heard the same scenario as the OP's about six times during a divorce. "This isn't working for me" (if you are lucky), or, just a plain old day in and day out attitude that this relationship is only about financial security and otherwise I don't need you. When it comes to the couple's decisions it is often stated that it is "my way or the highway".
My point is that a lot of what is going on may just be a product of the natural life cycle and neither the man or the woman should take what is happening, as unpleasant as it is, personally. Does this make sense to anyone else?
From Heyload
As men, we tend to be simple creatures, and simple things make us happy for the most part. Women tend to be a bit more complicated in that regard.
I heard the "I'm just not happy here" statement a lot from my wife, but she never made any attempt to make friends here, or talk to our neighbors, or get involved with anything outside of the home other than her job...which she loved but couldn't stand the people she worked for.
She's pretty happy now that she's back home, and has pretty much picked up her life there where she left off.
But now that it's been brought up...I don't think she's ever asked me if I was happy about this situation. I know I've told her often enough and tried to explain my take on things, but she doesn't really seem all that interested. In fact, she always comes back with reasons why it's worse for her, etc. If I say I'm sad, she's miserable. If I say I had a rough day at work, she has had a horrific day. If I tell her I'm feeling a bit under the weather, she's got full blown flu, etc.
So I'm thinking about this now. Am I happy? Not most of the time...but more frequently than right after she left. I guess it comes back after a while, once we wrap our heads around the new reality of our lives.
I'm reminded of something I came across. It was a question. "What is the meaning of life?" The answer given was "Life is empty and meaningless."
Now, I didn't agree with that a bit, but they went on to explain, using this analogy.
"Life is like a cup. What is the purpose of a cup? To hold something..water, coffee, beer, whatever. That is it's purpose. When the cup in empty, it has no use and is meaningless.
Life is like that cup. You have to fill it with something to give it meaning and purpose. We spend a life time filling that cup, then one day, everything in that cup can suddenly spill out. The cup is empty...and therefore meaningless.
Now at this point, you might say "Damn, that is depressing. My life is an empty cup and is meaningless. Everything I filled it with is gone now, so what is the point?"
But here is the neat part. It's your cup. Fill it with whatever you want. You've got a whole new start there, so fill the cup with what makes you happy. And suddenly, you'll have a life filled with meaning." I think about that analogy a lot. I'm coming to realize that life is about choices. Our happiness is our choice and ours alone. Right now that cup is pretty empty for me. But slowly I'm beginning to fill it again. Very slowly, but it's a start. So right now, there is a lot of pain, confusion and hurt in your head and heart. Maybe even some anger and resentment. I know there is for me. After a while, you'll dump that shit out and start filling that cup again, man. It won't be easy, at first. But at least YOU will make the choices of what to fill your life with again. And I think...and hope, for you as well as me and a lot of others...that we can choose to be happy and find some meaning again.
Anyway...that is just something I've been tossing around in my brain. Maybe it's just a bunch of mumbo jumbo, but it makes a kind of sense as well. Maybe it will help you get through things.
Or you can just tell me to STFU.
Either way, I hope it gets better for you, amigo. I'm not too far from gone here, and there have been nights, in the wee, wee lonely hours, that I've seriously considered death as a better alternative.
But everyday I get up and do it all again, and little by little, it's getting better. Everyday I find a little more humor, I laugh a little bit more and bit by bit the pain and hurt is falling away. In survival school, they taught us when things are really bad and hopeless, go to your happy place. That will help you survive mentally through all the pain and hurt and sadness, and you'll come home again.
Find your happy place, Shady. Just hang in there and take it day by day.
And you have a wonderful bunch of people here, and they are holding their hands out to pull you up.
I know, because a lot of them have lifted me when things were bad.
So keep the faith. Carry that load. It will get lighter. And things will get better.
__________________
"Would you care for some left-over bacon?"...said no man, ever.
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
And finally:
@Heyload and SimplyRed.....fucking bravo, men.
Quote:
Originally Posted by K. L. Rocket View Post
Big respect on how you eschew a victimization mindset by owning your decisions and outcomes.
Also, O Wise One, why would women need to monitor the happiness of men who claim they're such "simple creatures" they merely need food and sex to be happy? Are men confused or "complicated" too?
No, men are very simple creatures. Fuck us, feed us, show a tiny bit of adoration and respect and we are fine.
Couple of blowjobs a week doesn't hurt either.
Simple.
I actually said this to the prim and proper marriage counselor the ex and I started seeing when my marriage augered.
"Seriously, 1-2 blowjobs a week, and I would move mountains for her."
This is related to my last post regarding military service. It is all in the marketing. Stephen Hawkings is a pretty smart guy. Technology has made this a very dangerous world.
“The human failing I would most like to correct is aggression,” said Hawking. “It may have had survival advantage in caveman days, to get more food, territory or partner with whom to reproduce, but now it threatens to destroy us all.”
Nature or nurture? Perhaps women would do a better job running the world except most of the women leaders must act like men to secure the position.
I always thought the sounded a little trite. I read an excellent article in the New York Times about some veterans reaction to this. A shallow reflexive offering seems to me to be a fair description of this acknowledgment. Perhaps there should be a separate acknowledgment for those who's lives really were on the line and those who's lives were not. No, that is not workable. All gave some, some gave all. It is not an easy life. They agree to write a check payable to the USA up to and including their life. The department of defense is one of the biggest advertisers out there. A marketing machine. It is a great motivator for young men and women. The economy is also a great recruiter. Lack of economic opportunity, lack of education and lack of critical thinking are also factors. Full disclosure. My son is a Marine. Living the dream. My understanding is that they have two labels; people other than grunts (POGs) and grunts. Simplifies things.
HUNTER GARTH was in a gunfight for his life — and about to lose.He and seven other Marines were huddled in a mud hut, their only refuge after they walked into an ambush in Trek Nawa, a Taliban stronghold in Afghanistan. Down to his last 15 bullets, one buddy already terribly wounded, Mr. Garth pulled off his helmet, smoked a cheap Afghan cigarette, and “came to terms with what was happening.”“I’m going to die here with my best friends,” he recalled thinking.I didn’t know any of this — nor the remarkable story of his survival that day — when I met him two months ago in Colorado while reporting for an article about the marijuana industry, for which Mr. Garth and his company provide security. But I did know he was a vet and so I did what seemed natural: I thanked him for his service.“No problem,” he said. It wasn’t true. Therewasa problem. I could see it from the way he looked down. And I could see it on the faces of some of the other vets who work with Mr. Garth when I thanked them too. What gives, I asked? Who doesn’t want to be thanked for their military service?Many people, it turns out. Mike Freedman, a Green Beret, calls it the “thank you for your service phenomenon.” To some recent vets — by no stretch all of them — the thanks comes across as shallow, disconnected, a reflexive offering from people who, while meaning well, have no clue what soldiers did over there or what motivated them to go, and who would never have gone themselves nor sent their own sons and daughters.To these vets, thanking soldiers for their service symbolizes the ease of sending a volunteer army to wage war at great distance — physically, spiritually, economically. It raises questions of the meaning of patriotism, shared purpose and, pointedly, what you’re supposed to say to those who put their lives on the line and are uncomfortable about being thanked for it.Mr. Garth, 26, said that when he gets thanked it can feel self-serving for the thankers, suggesting that he did it for them, and that they somehow understand the sacrifice, night terrors, feelings of loss and bewilderment. Or don’t think about it at all. “I pulled the trigger,” he said. “You didn’t. Don’t take that away from me.” The issue has been percolating for a few years, elucidated memorably in “Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk,” a 2012National Book Award finalistabout a group of soldiers being feted at halftime of a Dallas Cowboys game. The soldiers express dread over people rushing to offer thanks, pregnant with obligation and blood lust and “their voices throbbing like lovers.” The issue has also surfaced, at least tangentially, withBrian Williams’s admissionthat he’d exaggerated about being in a Chinook helicopter hit by enemy fire. In explaining his failed memory, the NBC News anchor said: “This was a bungled attempt by me to thank one special veteran and by extension our brave military men and women veterans everywhere, those who have served while I did not.”
Continue reading the main storyThe idea of giving thanks while not participating themselves is one of the core vet quibbles, said Mr. Freedman, the Green Beret. The joke has become so prevalent, he said, that servicemen and women sometimes walk up to one another pretending to be “misty-eyed” and mockingly say “Thanks for your service.”Mr. Freedman, 33, feels like the thanks “alleviates some of the civilian guilt,” adding: “They have no skin in the game with these wars. There’s no draft.”
No real opinions either, he said. “At least with Vietnam, people spit on you and you knew they had an opinion.”
Photo“Thank you for your service,” he said, is almost the equivalent of “I haven’t thought about any of this.”For most of us, I suspect, offering thanks reflects genuine appreciation — even if ill-defined. It was a dirty job and someone had to do it. If not these men and women, then us or our children.
Tim O’Brien, a Vietnam vet and the author of the acclaimed book “The Things They Carried,” told me that his war’s vets who believed in the mission like to be thanked. Others, himself included, find that “something in the stomach tumbles” from expressions of appreciation that are so disconnected from the “evil, nasty stuff you do in war.”
The more so, he said, “when your war turns out to have feet of clay” — whether fighting peasants in Vietnam or in the name of eradicating weapons of mass destruction that never materialized.
But doesn’t their sacrifice merit thanks? “Patriotic gloss,” responded Mr. O’Brien, an unofficial poet laureate of war who essentially elevates the issue to the philosophical; to him, we’re thanking without having the courage to ask whether the mission is even right.
It’s hard to assess how widespread such ideas are among the men and women of today’s generation. So, rather than try to sum up what invariably are many views on the subject, I’ll relate more of Mr. Garth’s story.
He grew up in Florida, son of a Vietnam vet, grandson of a decorated World War II vet, himself a bit of a class clown who drank his way out of college and wound up working the docks. The Marines offered a chance to make something of himself and, despite his parents’ pleadings otherwise, to fight.
It wasn’t what he romanticized. First training and waiting. Then the reality that he might die, along with his friends — 17 of them did, in action, by accident or by suicide. And, he now asks, for what?
His ideas about the need to prove himself slipped away, along with any patriotic fervor. He hates it when people dismiss the Taliban as imbeciles when he saw them as cunning warriors. To Mr. Garth, the war became solely about survival among brothers in arms.
Like that day in September 2011 when Mr. Garth was surrounded in the hut. A last-ditch call for help over the radio prompted a small group of fellow Marines to run three miles to save the day, one of them carrying 170 pounds of gear, including a 22-pound machine gun and 50 pounds of ammo.
THE thanks Mr. Garth gets today remind him of both the bad times and the good, all of which carry more meaning than he has now in civilian life. Hardest is the gratitude from parents of fallen comrades. “That’s the most painful thank you,” he said. “It’s not for me, and I’m not your son.”
He struggled to explain his irritation. “It’s not your fault,” he said of those thanking him. “But it’s not my fault either.”
So what to say to a vet? Maybe promise to vote next time, Mr. Freedman said, or offer a scholarship or job (as, he said, some places have stepped up and done). Stand up for what’s right, suggested Mr. O’Brien. Give $100 to a vet, Ben Fountain, author of the “Billy Lynn” book, half-joked, saying it would at least show some sacrifice on the thanker’s part.
Mr. Garth appreciates thanks from someone who makes an effort to invest in the relationship and experience. Or a fellow vet who gets it. Several weeks ago, he visited one of his soul mates from the mud hut firefight, which they refer to as the Battle of the Unmarked Compound. They drank Jameson whiskey in gulps.
“We cried in each other’s arms until we both could tell each other we loved each other,” Mr. Garth said. “We each said, thank you for what you’ve done for me.”
"Irrationally held truths may be more harmful than reasoned errors."
"The deepest sin against the human mind is to believe things without evidence."
"Perhaps the most valuable result of all education is the ability to make yourself do the thing you have to do, when it ought to be done, whether you like it or not; it is the first lesson that ought to be learned; and however early a man's training begins, it is probably the last lesson that he learns thoroughly."
"The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to hold a man's foot long enough to enable him to put the other somewhat higher."
"Try to learn something about everything and everything about something."
"If a little knowledge is dangerous, where is the man who has so much as to be out of danger?"
"There is the greatest practical benefit in making a few failures early in life."
"There is but one right, and the possibilities of wrong are infinite."
"The most considerable difference I note among men is not in their readiness to fall into error, but in their readiness to acknowledge these inevitable lapses."
"Economy does not lie in sparing money, but in spending it wisely."
Mistress retention skills! As noted elsewhere in my blog, I do not have much respect for cheaters. I am pretty sure I would not want the complications.
I never thought about this but it makes some sense.
Unofficially, Feb. 13 is also known as "Mistress Day," the day that
straying boyfriends and husbands set aside for the "other woman" - since
they're spending the actual Valentine's Day with their girlfriends and
wives.
"It might not be a nationally celebrated day, but it's at
least a day to practice your 'mistress retention' skills," says Noel
Biderman, president of AshleyMadison.com, which sets up extramarital trysts for "when monogamy becomes monotony" and boasts 2 million registered members.
Most
cheaters devote the day before Valentine's to keeping their mistresses
happy, since waiting until the day after makes them seem like an
afterthought.
"You have to be with them the day before, give them their gift, make them feel special and put that to bed," says Ruth Houston, author of "Is He Cheating on You?" "Then Valentine's Day comes, and now you're free to do whatever with your mate."
I got a call from someone from Ohio Connections Academy. Apparently Marie C. Hanna, the queen of Clermont County, is sporting a big ring and the employees were searching the internet trying to find a marriage license between her and Ray Lambert and stumbled upon this blog.
Hint, the good stuff was written in 2013.
Her marriage, don't know, don't care. I suspect they may be perfect for each other. Lying and cheating is a great basis for a marriage. I have read that there is a 10% success rate for relationships that started with an affair.
Apparently the relationship is the source of much gossip and speculation. They conveniently arrive a couple of minutes apart, but never enter together. Some are apparently not too fond of this dynamic duo. Probably not a good career move for a school administrator.
Not the way I would like to lead my life. Sometimes I would like to be a fly on the wall. So how did you two meet? How long have you been sleeping together? Is it awkward to give performance reviews with someone your sleeping with?
In my life, if I were to have an affair with a subordinate, I would be kicked out the door in no time flat. See the Jack Welch story. Probably not the legacy he wanted from his career at GE.
My sense is that whole charter school thing is under intense, and well deserved, scrutiny. The glory days are behind them. Now, the public expects results, not excuses. They want to know where the money is going (hint it is not staying in Ohio).Well they have had a pretty good run and fleeced the Ohio taxpayers of many years of high salaries. Ray Lambert even got to be charter school leader of the year. Doesn't speak too well of the other candidates, if the best you can put up lacks basic ethics. Quite frankly I am surprised that my ex-wife and Ray are still employed. I guess it helps that the boards can be led around by the nose and apparently do not hold ethics as being important.
Lots of interesting stuff out there in virtual charter school land. A failed but expensive experiment. The worm is turning. It is a sleazy but profitable business.
Wow, I really can relate to this. A great description of the way my brain works. Good stuff.
Look at this below, these are things I wish I could express more directly in relationships, and I feel like any INTJ would want them to be expressed. It Is best that my hindsight and introspection be used to show others what can happen beneath the frozen exterior.
I use song lyrics (or quotes or many other things) written by others to communicate emotion. Symbols are also values as they communicate a message without having to use a bunch of words. Verbal expression of feelings is difficult because I'm almost self conscious about it. It's vocabulary I'm not used to using, and I witness others (feelers) using it in excess. I don't want you to think I'm just throwing words around. I have deep emotions, and while others may not see it, the connection that I seek makes it prevalent. I use the well written words of others to help me with this. And if I do say anything affectionate, it's a big deal.
True, lots of examples in my blog, including this one from Reddit. Lots of thoughts where my writing fails me.
Spending time together includes doing our own thing while sharing oxygen. I enjoy you being in my space (most of the time). That doesn't mean I don't want face to face time, but we can spend quality time together without actually having to talk.
Not too sure about this one
I am hard on myself, indescribably so. I am disappointed when I let you down because I know you are also disappointed too. It is one of the most painful things for me to think that I cannot measure up to what you want. True for me.
I WANT to play with you; I want sex to be fun. But at the same time it is something very mental for me. There is much more that goes into it beyond arousal; it is connection based, extremely mental, and I want to be ONE with you. True, nothing better than one on one bonding. I think that is my "love language".
A relationship is an investment. I can decide quickly who will work out and who will not. I make quick judgments, and once I decide on the one who will work, I am invested. If I know a relationship is done with, I cut emotion quickly.
No need to make bad investments. Move on.
I look out for those closest to me. If I enjoy something, I want you to be able to share the enjoyment. If I’m able to enjoy something and you aren’t with me, I spend the time wishing you were there to enjoy it too. If I find something I like, I want to either share mine or get one for you too. It’s another way I show affection.
Very true, sometimes this does not work if the interests are not aligned.
Try to stick to the plans we’ve made. I get disappointed when things don't go according to plan. If we are going out on a Friday night, and we decided on Pizza, I can deal with switching to Chinese. Just don’t call me Thursday afternoon and tell me you have to reschedule. If I actually like you, I would have been looking forward to it. (If I was relieved you canceled, it’s not going to work out with us anyway).
True
I am more sensitive than you think. I take critique well. I don't take your criticism well. You are important and so is your opinion. You do have the ability to hurt my feelings.
True
INFJs want peace and harmony. So do I, but peace and harmony for me looks like finding a workable solution or a resolution. I don't bend to make peace; I can get stubborn. I like to come to a win/win solution for us both. Loose ends bother me. I will never be coy about bringing up issues. Empathy is difficult because I can be self centered. Knowing I hurt you hurts me, but I also need to know why what I did hurt you. It has to make sense to me. If I love you, I am direct with you because I want things to get worked out. Bottom line: fixing the problem, and fixing it quickly, is the goal.
I like fixing things.
I always want to make the relationship better. It doesn't mean the relationship is broken. It just means I want to make a good thing the best thing. If I tell you to try something new, I’m not trying to change who you are as a person. I’m trying to help you be the best you can be. If I didn't care, I'd leave you to yourself.
Ahh, seeking perfection, sometimes guilty of this
I collect info over time and make general observations. If you accuse me of something and you ask for specifics, I have a hard time recalling exacts. I know something happened, I just don’t remember the trivial (to me) details. Once I generalize, I toss the details. If I do remember details, it means something is terribly wrong.
I have an excellent memory :-) That is not always a good thing.
I hear colleagues talk about picking their dad up from the airport or having dinner with their dad. Pretty mundane stuff, but I think they are fortunate. That is never going to happen again for me and my dad.
He was a good thinker and a great dad. He had many interests. When I was young, I was very challenging to him.
He was careful and did not make many mistakes. His last mistake killed him. I suspect that a loss in his mental capacity caused his death. He was usually very good about planning and figuring out consequences. He failed to do so in this case and the tree got him.
He, and my mother, were an American success story. He and my mother started out in an eight foot by forty foot trailer with two infants. They parlayed that into a very comfortable retirement with homes on the lake and on the ocean.
I was glad to get to spend some quality time with him is 2014 and 2015. We did Christmas in Florida went to the Daytona race and to Alaska. I could tell, and he knew that he was slipping a bit but he still had some good years ahead of him.
The whole hospital life support experience was something I could have lived without. It was brutal seeing him helpless and non-reactive to anything. Making the call was the right choice, but sad and difficult. He got great care but there was nothing anyone could do. As Neil said, it is better to burn out than fade away.
He had deep roots in the community and as far as I know, no enemies. I was impressed by the turn out at the funeral and open house.
Here is his obituary which I wrote with some assistance. Seems inadequate if you actually knew the man, but the facts are correct.
Hanna, Bruce B.
Age 77, of Medicine Lake passed
away August 23, 2014.
Bruce Hanna was born in
Minneapolis. He graduated from Fairmont High School as Valedictorian and went
on to study engineering at Hamline University and the U of M. He worked for Northern
States Power as a system analyst and manager.
He loved his family, lakes,
mountains, travel, and working on his many projects.Most of all, he could spend entire days
happily puttering in his yard. He spent fifty years on Medicine Lake and often
escaped the harsh winters in Florida.
A recent high point of his life
happened when he hosted his three sons and their families on a cruise through
Alaska. Spending time with his family and seeing the majestic beauty of the
glaciers was perhaps his most fitting swan song.
Survivors include his wife of 53 years,
Marilyn (Moeller) Hanna; his sons, David, Steven(Mary), and Jonathan (Brooke) Hanna; his
brother Philip (Donna) and sister Kathyrn Hanna; four grandsons; David, Jr., Thomas, Jack, and Andrew Hanna; and
many other friends and relatives. He was proceeded in death by his parents,
Russell and Dorothy Hanna.
Service
will be held at Thursday 2:00 p.m. 8-28-14 at Calvary Lutheran Church in Golden Valley.Visitation from 1:00 to 2:00 p.m.
Memorials
preferred to the donor’s
favorite charity or The Nature Conservancy.
