Saw the ex-wife last week

Saw the ex-wife last week.  We kept our distance.  I really did not have much to say. 

Whatever attraction or love there was is gone.  I had no desire to reunite or any real interest in her well- being or anything else about her.

It is strange, once I would have killed for her.  Now there is apathy and indifference.  Not long ago there was anger.

What I saw was a woman who talks too much and had not much to say.  I say a fifty year old who once was a beauty and now is a pretty average looking menopausal woman.  I guess she will end up looking like her mother.  I saw the bad traits and not the good.

If I saw her on a dating site I probably would not pursue her.  I don’t think she would survive the first date with me.  She does have some talents, but those are not obvious.

I sometimes think of what once was and what could have been.  It is good when someone has your back unconditionally.  I think my children enjoyed family time together (usually).  Family, stability and security are things I value.  This divorce has damaged my family.  My oldest son came home from college this weekend.  He never saw his mother.  He said he would see her next time.  She does not appear to be that relevant to their lives.

I am sure my indifference shows through.  Not sure if this is healthy or not for my sons.  It is what it is.  How is that for a cliché?  I really do not like to lie or fake something that is not there.  She is not worth it.

Now she is the queen of Batavia and Clermont County.  A nurse with a purse probably looks pretty good to a guy 10 years her senior,with no assets, and health problems.

My Son is now a Marine.

He is not a “Soldier”.  No Marine, under any circumstances, would refer to himself as a ‘Soldier”.  “Soldiers” are in the Army, definitely not Marines.

Left is port, right is starboard, windows are portholes, and the floor is the deck.

Parris Island was interesting.  You can sense the intensity.  Hours are generally 4:00 a.m. to lights out at 8:00 p.m.  No electronics, no phones, and 30 minutes of free time per day.

The drill instructors are intimidating and perhaps more intense than depicted in a Hollywood movie.  Picture a stereotype then multiply by two.  They issue discipline for any infraction or sometimes just because they can.  Aye, Aye, Sir is the expected and inevitable response.  The recruits will repeat this response over and over and over.

I can see that my son gained three years of maturity, perhaps much more, in three months of training.  This is a serious business.

I value independent thought.  I also believe in accountability.  There are logical consequences to actions and inactions.  However, I think that there are certain values that hold civilization together.  My interpretation may be wrong but I from what I have read and think I learned about this entire “Semper Fi” business is that they follow the following values:

Honor

The quality that guides Marines to exemplify the ultimate in ethical and moral behavior; never to lie, cheat, or steal; to abide by an uncompromising code of integrity; to respect human dignity; to have respect and concern for each other. The quality of maturity, dedication, trust, and dependability that commits Marines to act responsibly; to be accountable for actions; to fulfill obligations; and to hold others accountable for their actions.

 

Courage

Courage is the mental, moral, and physical strength ingrained in Marines to carry them through the challenges of combat and the mastery of fear; to do what is right; to adhere to a higher standard of personal conduct; to lead by example, and to make tough decisions under stress and pressure.

 

Commitment

The Spirit of determination and dedication within members of a unit that leads to professionalism and mastery of the arts of war. It is the ingredient that enables 24-hour a day dedication to Corps and Country; pride; concern for others; and an unrelenting determination to achieve a standard of excellence in every endeavor. Commitment is the value that establishes the Marine as the warrior and citizen others strive to emulate.

One could do worse…..

Now for something completely different......

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

Charles C. Finn
September 1966

Guy Clark "The Cape"

E school article

http://innovationohio.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/IO.051211.eschools.pdf

Need a little warmth

Too cold.  The winter weather is one good reason I left Minnesota.

A thought about relationships:

 

 

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”
― Anais Nin

Time for a tune up?

Its no big secret, everyone thinks they are defective. Every super model can point to features they are not happy about. Everyone of us wonders if we are mentally odd in some way. All those who do achieve high office of some sort think they are imposters, that they really are not that perfect, that they got lucky.

The thing about goals is that once you achieve them you are empty. The hoped for position is never as good as anticipated. It is that hope itself which vanishes. A man needs to strive for something more than what he has or what he is. The best goals are those that can never be reached.