Still Watching the Wheels. 100 posts

100 posts.  A milestone of some arbitrary number.

Some posts were borne from anger, some from reflection and thought, and some are random and perhaps strange but amuse me.

Some highlights and lowlights:

Spouse moved out without warning and sent me an email advising of same.  Took the youngest son with her.  Pretty traumatic.  Similar to a death in the household.  Suddenly, my friend, lover and confidant is no longer there.  Gone, not coming back.  Pretty quiet and lonely.  Correction, too quiet and lonely.

I found out that the sweet, unpretentious,  girl I married and exchanged vows with 27 years ago had somehow turned into a cheating mercenary.  Pretty scandalous and pretty stupid if you ask me.  Don’t shit where you eat.  The person you divorce is not the person you marry.  I could have done without the lying, cheating and stealing.  Perhaps we could have salvaged some sort of relationship.

I went through a divorce.  I got to deal with the court system and lawyers.  None of this collaborative divorce stuff for us.  $50,000 later it was a complete success.  She spent twice as much as I did on her super-lawyer.  The money would have made a nice down payment on a vacation home.

I discovered I had coronary artery disease.  I have kind of suspected for years but never quite connected the angina to CAD.  It took three cath operations but I got it fixed.  It is a relief.  As James Brown might say, I feel good!

The family dynamics have substantially changed.  I sense their disappointment.  The children have little interaction with their mother.  There are no more family holidays.  That used to be a mostly enjoyable production.  I am not inclined to put on the façade of Christmas.  Thomas is gone anyway.

My son joined the Marines.  He has learned warrior skills and how to swear.   I do not expect him to return to Cincinnati.  He has matured.  I hope he survives.

My father suddenly died.   Trees kill.   We were pretty close and enjoyed each other’s company.  He was a smart, private, overly organized man who was always working on projects to improve his surroundings.  He was a good man and decent to his core.  I saw him hooked to the machines and waited for any sign of a positive response.  There was none.  I watched him die.  I was pleased at the outpouring of support at the funeral and at the house.  I am sorry that I made his life difficult as a teenager.

I got promoted!  I am making more than I ever did.  Surviving pretty well by my lonesome.

Lot’s of time to think, to reflect and explore new ideas.

I received support from many good friends and family.  I think that support is what makes life worth living (sometimes).  Without family and friends it can be a lonely world.  So sorry that has not quite worked out like you planned Marie.

I have dined at some great restaurants.  I have been enjoyed some great concerts.  I have met interesting people.  I fear that I am turning into a hipster or a metrosexual (just kidding).

Acquired some pretty cool toys.  I like toys.  I like my new motorcycle and corvette.  I like my mancave.  I have big plans on what to do with the house.

I like my house and the proximity to the woods and walking trail.  A little silly for one person but the payments are low.

I took some pretty cool trips.  More trips to come.

A new slogan.  “Because I can………….”  The possibilities are pretty wide open.

In the meantime, I am doing time and watching the wheels……  100 more?

 

Watching the Wheels

People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing,
Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin,
When I say that I'm o.k. they look at me kind of strange,
Surely you’re not happy now you no longer play the game,

People say I'm lazy dreaming my life away,
Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me,
When I tell that I'm doing Fine watching shadows on the wall,
Don't you miss the big time boy you're no longer on the ball?

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,
I really love to watch them roll,
No longer riding on the merry-go-round,
I just had to let it go,

People asking questions lost in confusion,
Well I tell them there's no problem,
Only solutions,
Well they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind,
I tell them there's no hurry...
I'm just sitting here doing time,

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,
I really love to watch them roll,

The heart of the matter

jesus christ is my nigga WTF?

WTF

Wise Words

No discussion of ego would be complete without touching on our greatest egomania - the perception we're all somehow "special," sacred, on a mission predestined by God... A God who's all knowing and omni-present, so involved and invested in us he's obsessed with who we fuck, whether we eat pork or if we're daydreaming about screwing the neighbor's wife. And yet he's never been seen or engaged by anyone - never stopped in at the corner deli for coffee or appeared in the bathroom to scold us for masturbating. And he can only be understood or engaged via "faith," a device through which rejection of the overwhelming lack of evidence of something somehow provides a stronger "intangible" proof of the thing. I don't know if God does or doesn't exist, but I do know a gimmick when I see it, and the "faith" sold by religion is a pure, Grade A gimmickry. If I told you a band of magical trolls live in your basement, but that you'll never be able to see or engage them - never observe any evidence of their existence but an ancient book of contradictory, fantastic fables professing to describe the history of their rich civilization under your stairs - would you believe me? Build a shrine or home for them next to the washing machine, something along the lines of the Keebler Elves' tree house or the Hobbits' Shire?** You'd thrown me out of your house is what you'd do. But that's basically "faith" - collective, tribally-reinforced suspension of disbelief... And the oddest thing is, it's utterly unnecessary. Devout or non-believer, the golden rule's still the same: Don't be an asshole. If you need the balsa wood artifice of organized religion to remind you to treat people as you'd want to be treated, you don't need prayer. You need a fucking psychiatrist. Make nice with the pious as much as you need to for business purposes, but never get too close. As pleasant as they might be, as comforting as the pitch sounds, anyone fixated on the "afterlife" is nuts. There's more than enough astonishing, amazing shit around us right here to keep a sensible, inquisitive mind busy. 

Wow!

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.

Robin Williams

Sad to see him go.  It also triggers some thoughts, some of which may not be healthy. 

Depression begins with disappointment.  When disappointment festers it leads to depression.

We overcome some obstacles.  When we have overcome these obstacles or disappointments, it is not entirely satisfying  because of the boredom it produces.  What is next?  I do not know.

"One could argue that most of the trouble in the world is caused by introspection.”
― Nick Hornby, A Long Way Down

 “We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and — in spite of True Romance magazines — we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely — at least, not all the time — but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.”  Hunter S. Thompson

Good advice.  Perhaps it is arrogance, but I have my self-respect.

The last frontier?

Alaska was great.  At least in the summer.  Such beautiful scenery.  Majestic mountains. Magnificent glaciers. Abundent wildlife.

A great trip.

 

 

 

Watching the whales was especially cool.